the nikku

reflecting on ESL/EFL and its relation to faith

Monday, January 21, 2008

my worst fear

Today I mentioned to the head of the English Department that we were
coming up on the time we needed to talk to the principal about my
contract renewal. He asked if I had decided yet. (About 3 months ago I
stuck my foot in my foot when he asked if I thought I'd stay, and I
bluntly said no.) He asked if it was only the course load. He said the
course load can be changed without the approval of the principal. He's
been putting off telling the principal because he'd like me to stay.

I didn't know what to say then. I've spent a lot of time thinking about
it (since maybe March), and I'll probably continue thinking about it.
But for the last six months or so I've been leaning towards going home.

And the truth is, the course load isn't it. But the rest is
embarrassing. My worst fear is that I'm not a good teacher, and if so,
this isn't a place where I can improve. But I want to improve. That's
why I desperately want an ESL certificate.

Between me and the two teachers before me, I'm the least qualified of
all. Yet I have been given more responsibility and much more potent
grades than either of the two before me. I feel like I'm not the right
person for the job. I just happened to be in the right place at the
right time.

But even with everything that's wrong here, I'd still love to stay in
Japan. But I know what I'd risk staying here. I've seen it happen to my
friends here. I'll stay here, my friends will leave, my siblings will
get married, I'd stay here where there are a million single women my age
- nearly none of whom I could marry, yada yada. And more than anything
I'd hate to stay here and get tired and worn out doing a job I'm not
qualified for.
But then again I'm always running away from things - maybe that's why I
like travel. :)

On the upside, I never thought I would make the great friends I have. I
never expected to survive this well in a foreign country. I never
expected to be involved in ministry like this.

I'm coming up on the easy part of the year, and I hope I don't forget
how hard the fall term was. I want to finish well, whenever that may be.

...I swear, before he said something tonight I was gonna leave for sure.

Now comes the tough part, ask people who have actually taught with me if
they REALLY think I'm a good teacher.


Blogger クリス先生 said...

I think you are a much better teacher than you give yourself credit for. Personally, I would like to see you stay in Japan, but that's cause I'll be here :)

2/05/2008 12:07 AM  

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